I don’t know about you, but my main problem with public transport is that other people are allowed to use it, too. My feeling is that the whole operation would run far more smoothly if I were the only person on board, but for some reason TFL still insist on pulling buses into stops I’m not getting out at (who wants to go to Angel Road Superstores anyway?) and holding the tube for inordinate lengths of time at pointless stations like Russell Square. It’s not that I’ve got something against other people per se, just the irritating, inconsiderate, idiotic, unsavoury 95% that occupy every bus or carriage.
To illustrate my point, here are a few situations I encounter regularly while enduring public transport. If you’re not familiar with these, it probably means you earn enough to take taxis, or you’re one of the 95% mentioned above:
1. People who’ve been waiting for the bus for a good 10 minutes, yet still seem to think the best time to start fishing around in their bag looking for their Oyster card is when they step on to the bus and arrive at the reader. Likewise the idiots who block the tube barriers doing the same thing.
2. People who get on the bus, which has just travelled down the road in full view of them with, say, ‘243 to Waterloo’ plastered on its front, and ask the driver ‘Does this bus go to Waterloo?’ This is called asking for asking’s sake, and I await the day that the driver responds with either, ‘What do you fucking think?’ or ‘No.’ I bet they wouldn’t get off.
3. People who barge on to the bus without paying. Some of the best excuses I’ve heard are: ‘I’m with the Olympic team’ from an obese man in a tracksuit, and ‘I’m taking stuff to a homeless shelter’ from a man who then proceeded to blow his own cover by explaining loudly to other passengers that he’d got on for free by pretending to take stuff to a homeless shelter.
4. Tourists who don’t seem to realise that the bus or tube they’ve just boarded will actually be moving shortly, resulting in them flying down the aisle, falling up/down the stairs, or lurching into a fellow passenger’s lap with much Ooohing and nervous laughter, usually met with looks of disdain or flagrant disgust from other commuters.
5. Tourists who try to tap their train tickets on the Oyster card readers. This is mainly just amusing.
6. People who try to get on the tube before letting others off. This is definitely not amusing. At the very least I would like to punch them in the face.
7. People who run for the tube and hurl themselves at the doors as they’re closing, invariably getting trapped, holding everyone else up and making themselves look an utter dick.
8. People who stand on the left-hand side of the escalators. Move, or prepare to be mown down.
9. People who stop dead at the top of escalators to read their tube maps. See above.
10. People who take pictures of empty tube tunnels. Just, why?
I could go on to mention the man who wiped his muddy feet on my suitcase on the bus the other day, or the unsavoury character who coughed violently into my hair, but I think 10 is enough from me. Over to you. What have I missed? Come whine with me in the comments box!
