Round two of The Hospital, and what do we have? The weird boob bonanza episode! Sorry, I mean the freeloading general public trying to get their cosmetic procedures on the NHS episode! Whatever. If you’re having a bad body day, give this a watch. It’s a nice little pick-me-up. We’re talking images of people with enough excess skin to cover a three piece suite, and women with nipples the size of their entire boob. Seriously. 4od. Look into it.
Anyway, kicking off with the first member of our ‘the-whole-world-owes-me-a-favour’ brigade, please welcome Jade. Now, Jade has a very sad story to tell. She has small boobs. An A cup. For her, this is the most catastrophic situation in the whole world, which goes some way towards illustrating just how small her world actually is.
Nevertheless, one must admire the great lengths Jade is willing to travel for her free boob job. ‘I want a boob job more than anyone else in the world,’ she explains earnestly. ‘Like, I’d eat a thousand spiders for a boob job. Other people wouldn’t do that, so obviously I want it more.’ Quite.
A true Essex girl in (almost) every sense of the word, Jade then proceeds to empty onto her Playboy duvet cover a collection of chicken fillets to rival any Iceland store, apparently stuffing as many down her top as humanely possible on a night out. So, in Jade’s eyes, why should the NHS foot the bill for her cosmetic procedure? ‘Having small boobs is like a disease, innit. If I had four feet coming out of one leg the NHS would sort it out wouldn’t they?’ I couldn’t agree more. The two are undeniably comparable.
‘See, she’s got big tits and she gets a whole page, whereas she’s got small ones and she only gets half a page,’ Jade pouts as she flicks through her extensive library of Nuts magazines. She’s right. This does seem like the kind of medical emergency the NHS was designed to deal with. If only there weren’t so many bothersome, trivial mastectomies for surgeons to carry out too, she’d be pumped up and on the front cover of Zoo quicker than you can say Jordan. Where is the justice?
More of her plight later. Next up, a 15, yes, 15 year-old demanding surgery because her breasts are growing unevenly. The key word in this sentence being ‘growing’ i.e. still developing and will most likely correct themselves over time. But will we wait until we’re older to find out? Oh no. ‘If we wait till she’s 18 we’ll have to pay for it. I’m not doing that,’ declares her mother. Of course you’re not. You’d much rather let hardworking, complete strangers foot the bill. Still, if the NHS is soft enough to give in (which in this case they were), what more can we expect from these people?
Unfortunately for Jade, she was not so lucky in the boob lottery. Having failed to convince her female doctor that receiving the procedure was a basic human right (unbelievable, I know), she decided to try her luck with a male doctor instead. Her attempts at outrageous flirting clearly did not go well. ‘He said it wasn’t life threatening and there’s nothing they can do. I feel like punching someone! Maybe I’ll say I’m suicidal, then it’ll be life threatening. I found out they gave that child killer Maxine Carr a boob job, but they won’t give one to an innocent person like me. I feel like writing in to complain.’ Er, firstly, just a little touch of slander there, and secondly, write in and say what?! ‘Dear NHS, I’m a freeloading glamour model wannabe trying to get a boob job courtesy of the taxpayer and my doctor saw straight through me.’ Now there’s a strong case if ever you saw one.
Don’t get me wrong, I do sympathise with women who are unhappy with certain aspects of their bodies, and I’m all for cosmetic surgery if it will make you feel better. I for one would love to glance down at my chest and not see an ironing board staring back at me, but, unlike some others, would be willing to pay for the privilege of obtaining a nice pair of melons (or even large oranges, I’m not fussy). I would certainly never expect unassuming taxpayers to put their hands in their pockets to pay for my vanity, nor would I dream of putting the NHS under any additional strain for this purpose.
Perhaps Jade and co should go and do a stint in the US, where they’d be expected to cough up the cash for each and every procedure, be it a boob job or a burst appendix. Maybe then these self-obsessed, whingeing spongers would realise just how good they’ve bloody well got it.
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